Fuck hay fries. No, seriously. Celestia should make a law that completely wipes out all hay fries from the face of Equestria.

That makes three dates in a row where you’ve taken a lovely mare out for dinner, she suggests you get hay fries for the both of you to share and then gets weirded out when she discovers that humans have an abnormally small cecum. Well, it isn’t abnormally small, at least where you come from, but when trying to make a good first impression with a mare you barely know, it kinda starts up that awkward conversation about human anatomy and why she’s the only one eating. Needless to say, it’s not exactly easy for you to get second dates, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if Celestia were to cast some divine plague on every strand of hay in this stupid world of talking horses!

Oh, yeah, and that’s the second hurdle you’ve had to overcome. The first was trying to get over the fact that literally the only possible dating options you have here are freaking ponies, which would be a felony back home in Florida… probably. There’s also dragons and yaks here for you to choose from, but you haven’t quite gotten that desperate yet. You’ve also entertained the idea of a changeling, but they would probably have no idea how to turn into a hot human girl, let alone the fact that you would still be committing your entire love life to a bug.

Actually, Equestria was kinda cool when you first got here--and for all intents and purposes, it still does have a charm to it--but now that you’ve lived here for so long, the initial “magic” has begun to wear off. (The word magic has been put in quotation marks because apparently, magic is real in this place, and you just happened to be blessed with none of it.) There are also ponies who can fly here, but yet again, you’re stuck with the earth ponies: grounded, magicless, and stuck doing hard manual labor jobs while everypony else gets to be mail carriers and junk like that.

Oh, sweet Celestia. Have you really started using the word “everypony”?

“Hey, mister, are you alright?”

You flinch dramatically, wildly flailing your arms while your mind transitions from your previous train of thought into an attempt to slow down your suddenly irregular heartbeat. Once the initial shock wears off, however, you look down to see a pegasus filly probably no older than nine or ten years old staring up at you with wide eyes and her head cocked to the side. Her mane is a long green that matches her fur with bright white streaks along the edges, and her eyes are a bold pink that matches the color of her cutie mark, which you can only make out to be a violin with four musical notes. She seems more and more concerned as the seconds pass, but that’s probably because she was already asking if you were alright before you nearly went into cardiac arrest in front of her.

“Huh?” you mumble. “Oh! Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look so fine.”

Wait. Was that like a subtle jab at how attractive you are?

“Look. You don’t need to worry about me, alright? I’m good.”

“Good, huh? Is that why you’re sitting on a bench alone at night in the middle of a playground?”

You slowly raise your head up from your feet to finally take in your surroundings, noticing for the first time how despondent this environment probably makes you look. “Listen, I promise I’m not suicidal or anything. I’ve just had a long day.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Obviously not, but this little pegasus filly sits next to you like the question has already been settled, leaving you with the choices of either telling her or giving her the cold shoulder. Fortunately for her, though, even though you can be a major dick sometimes, you’re not about to treat a little girl like trash, especially when she’s only trying to help.

“It’s just… romance problems. What are you doing out here this late anyway?”

The little filly, though, grins like the answer is obvious. “Playing. We’re in a playground, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, but it’s like ten o’clock at night. Aren’t your parents worried?”

“Why would they be worried? I know my way back home. Besides, it’s not a school night or anything.” You want to interject about the dangers of being out alone at night, but now that you think about it, you have no idea whether Equestria is actually more dangerous at night than in the middle of the day. This place does seem to function off of gumdrops and smiles, after all. “Sooooo, you wanna tell me about your mare troubles?”

“Not really.”

“Come on! Pleeeeease?”

The filly’s face then comes uncomfortably close to yours, making you sigh defeatedly while you drop your face into your hands, shaking your head in agitation. “Alright. Fine. What do you want to know?”

“Yes!! OK, so first of all, what’s her naaaaaame?” She flutters her eyelashes femininely as she draws out her final syllable, making you even more embarrassed about the situation as a whole.

“Bonbon. That doesn’t really matter, though, since I’m probably never going to see her again.”

“Awww! How come?”

“BECAUSE OF FUCKING HAY FRIES!” The filly jerks her head back from your sudden outburst, reminding you to take a deep breath and calm yourself down before you inadvertently take your frustrations out on a little girl. “Sorry. Uhh… Don’t tell your parents I said that word.”

“You mean... fuckkk?” The pegasus smiles as she says it, adding an extra emphasis on the hard consonant to send tingles down your spine as the sound softly travels past her teeth. Hopefully this won’t end up with her parents finding out where you live and killing you with rainbows (which is actually a legitimate form of execution in this world).

“Ssshh! Don’t say it so loudly! I’m pretty sure that’s like a high crime in Ponyville.”

The green filly beside you, though, rolls her eyes. “Relax. It’s not like anypony can hear us out here, and besides…” She then stands up on her hind legs, leans right next to your ear and whispers, “I won’t tell if you don’t tell.” Before you know it, your face is blushing a bright red, making the annoying pegasus fall onto her back in laughter at your expense. As if this night could get any more embarrassing.

“Yeah, I think that’s my cue to leave.”

“Wait!” she says between chortles. “I was only joking!”

Even though she’s motioning for you to stay, you’ve already gotten to your feet, looking back down at her with a disapproving stare until she collects herself enough to stand herself back up. “Listen, filly.”

“Katydid, but you can call me Katy.”

Whoa. A name you can actually pronounce for once.

“Listen, Katy. I’ve had a long night tonight, and the last thing I want is to be humiliated by a little girl when she should probably be at home sleeping anyway.”

“I’m sorry, misterrrrr--”

“Anon.”

The filly looks confused at first, but after a brief moment of silence, she begins cracking up, biting down on her lip to avoid laughing hysterically at you yet again. “Anon? Who names their kid Anon?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Waaaaiiiiit!” The minute you turn away, however, you feel her hooves wrapping around your leg, physically preventing you from walking away. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I promise I didn’t mean to.”

You could probably break away from her grip easily if you wanted to, but again, you sigh in frustration, looking down at Katy with an annoyed expression. “It’s fine, but I really need to get going now.”

“But… will I ever get to see you again?”

“Probably. This town is pretty small, and in case you haven’t noticed, I stand out more than the average pony. I’m sure I’ll see you again at some point.”

“Tomorrow.” You raise an eyebrow, but Katy’s determined expression remains firm. “I’ll let you go, but only if you promise to meet me here tomorrow.”

“...Seriously?”

“Promise me, Anon!”

You have no idea why this girl wants to see you again so badly, but what choice do you have? Are you really just going to tell her to leave you alone while you sulk in misery, simultaneously spreading your sadness to somepony who just wants to be your friend? As much as you hate to admit it, you actually consider giving her the tough love scenario, but you were right when you told her that this town is small and that it would only be a matter of time before you ran into her again.

“Fine, but it has to be during the daytime. I feel weird being out here with a foal this late.”

“Yaaaay! Thank you, Anon!” Katy then pulls herself up to her hooves and enwraps you into a big hug, making you momentarily forget about how crappy today has been. Just momentarily, though. “I can’t wait to play with you some more! Then we can talk more about those mare problems you’re having.” You want to interject that last idea, but before you can cut her off, she cuts you off herself. “Oh, that’s right. You had to leave, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. Uh… I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

“OK! Bye, Anon! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

The two of you wave goodbye, walking in separate directions as you both make your way home, but as soon as she’s out of sight, you sigh again and quietly mumble under your breath, “What are the consequences of what I’ve just done?”

The next day, you dress up for no particular reason whatsoever, seeing as how the girl you’re going to be spending the afternoon with isn’t exactly somepony you’re hoping to impress. Then again, your version of dressing up includes wearing an ironed shirt rather than your “I really wish I weren’t here right now” button, which you actually considered wearing at first. At least this way you can say that you tried if she ends up getting bored with you, allowing you to retire to the comfort of your home where you can blame ponies for all your problems yet again. Actually, now that you think about it, you should probably wear some cologne too. No excuses, right?

Just before you arrive at the park, you begin thinking about how long you plan on waiting for Katy before you decide to call it quits for the day. She’s just a kid, after all, which means that even if she remembers that she’s supposed to meet you here, she would also need to be motivated enough not to blow you off for hopscotch or something. Unfortunately, however, as soon as you arrive, you see that she’s already there, indicating that as much as you’d like to avoid being social today, it looks like you don’t have much of a choice.

“Anon!” she calls, waving her hooves energetically. “Over here!”

You look around nervously, putting your hand up to shield your face like somehow that will prevent ponies from recognizing you. By the time you actually sit down at the bench where the two of you met the night before, though, she’s lifting an eyebrow in curiosity while you’re just hoping that the townsponies won’t judge you for hanging out with a filly on a Saturday afternoon.

“Hey, Katy,” you say without making eye contact. “What’s up?”

“Whyyyy are you acting funny? Wait! Is that mare from last night here?! Show me! Show me!”

“Ssshhh! Keep your voice down!” You look around again to see if anypony is looking at you, but thankfully, they’re all focusing on their own lives, kinda like what you should be doing. “And no, she’s not here.”

“Awww! I wanted to meet her.”

“Well, she’s a bitch, so you’re not really missing anything.”

You’re hoping that by using strong words, she’ll want to change the subject altogether, but her interest seems even more piqued than ever, communicated by the sly grin growing on her face. “Were you two in loooove?”

“What? No! How did you get anything like that from what I just said?”

“Just a hunch. So are there any other mares you’re interested in right now?”

As she asks the question, she leans in closer, smiling seductively while her eyelids bat girlishly. You don’t know why, but for some reason, your neck breaks out in a cold sweat as you gulp with nervousness, feeling more on edge by how close she’s getting than by the uncomfortably personal question she just asked.

“N-no. Not really. I was kinda banking on that last one.”

“That just means we need to find you a nice girl who appreciates you, then! So what kind of mares do you like?”

This is so embarrassing. You're legitimately getting dating advice from somepony who's probably never even had a boyfriend before.

“I uh… I don't really have a type. Just anypony who's nice and fun to be around.” The filly tilts her head awkwardly at your halfhearted response, leading you to pull on the collar of your shirt to allow more air into your suddenly gripping throat. “But enough about me! Why don't we play a game?”

“Sure!” she exclaims, ears perked up in excitement. “Just so you know, though, this doesn't mean we're done talking about girls just yet.”

It does mean that you can avoid it until she forgets about it, though.

“Great! So what game did you wanna play?”

“The kissing game.”

Piece of shi--

“I don’t think I’d like that game,” you say with a half-baked chuckle, looking around for FBI ponies. “How about we play something else?”

Katy, however, giggles wildly into her hooves. “It’s not like that, silly! Here.” Katy then puts her hooves above her eyes to block out the sun as she scopes the surrounding area until finally, she gasps with excitement, pointing to a secluded grassy area across the playground. “Found one!”

“...One what? Did I lose already?”

The pegasus filly rolls her eyes. “Nooo. Look! I found a couple kissing! That’s one point for me!”

You have to squint your eyes to see what she’s looking at, but sure enough, you can barely make out the sight of two ponies kissing each other on a picnic blanket. You have to admit, it is impressive how she was able to scope them out so quickly, especially since PDA is so rare in Equestria, but that still leaves one major question.

“So, the point of the game is just to point out ponies who are making out? Exactly how many couples do you expect us to find in this tiny little playground?”

“Just the one, probably. That’s why we’re gonna search all over town!”

“...You’re joking, right?”

“Nope!” she exclaims, hopping off the bench and walking forward, making you turn your head quickly as her butt unexpectedly becomes the focus of your view. You wait until your peripheral vision allows you to see her face turning towards you before you look again, but by that point, she’s already several yards ahead of you. “C’mon! I knew the perfect place!”

You glance towards her again, hoping that looking directly at her won’t lead to any misunderstandings, but just as soon as you think you’re safe, you see her winking at you, wiggling her hind legs in excitement. You palm your face in embarrassment before standing up and walking towards wherever she’s leading you, silently praying that nopony’s going to get the wrong idea about the two of you. She looks so innocent, like there could be nothing wrong about this situation in her immature mind. Hopefully you’ll be able to remember that, though, as you try not to look at her swishing tail while she leads you into town.

Finally, after a long, tiring day, you collapse down onto the table of a dining establishment, exhausted from not only walking throughout half of Ponyville, but also losing very handily to somepony you thought could barely count. You had no idea that you could even find that many kissing couples in Equestria, but Katydid pointed them out like they were freaking trees!

“This is bullcrap.”

“Sorry, Anon, but you know the rules,” she says, taking a seat across from you with a much more energetic demeanor. “Loser has to buy the winner a snack.”

“How the hell did you even find that last one? They were in a freaking garbage can!”

Katy, however, shrugs with a smug-looking face. “I guess I’m just better at this than you.”

“I call hacks.”

“It’s not like I would have been able to pay for you anyway.” You lift your head up to give her an offended glare, but that just makes her laugh into her hooves with her soothing, high-pitched voice. You want to be mad at her, but the tone of her giggle is so heavenly that you forget why you were so mad in the first place. “Oh! Here comes our waiter!”

“This was supposed to be a snack!”

Yet somehow, she roped you into some romantic restaurant where you would normally take a mare you liked, and for some reason, you are just now realizing that this could once again give ponies the wrong idea. It is kinda nice that you get to share a dinner with somepony that you actually sorta like for once… but it’s not like that! She’s just some little girl that tricked you into buying her dinner! There’s nothing more to it than that!

“Good evening,” the waiter says in his bourgeois accent. “What can I get the two of you tonight?”

“Oh! Could I get hay fr--” You quickly glare at the filly, making her shrink in her seat. “Probably not hay fries. How about mac and cheese?”

Sweet Celestia. Could this get any more embarrassing?

“Excellent choice, m’lady. And you, sir?”

“Ugh… I guess I’ll take mac and cheese too.”

Now it can’t.

The waiter then nods his head, takes your menus and walks away, leaving the two of you alone at a candlelit table where you have nowhere to look but into each other’s eyes. You never noticed it before, but when she smiles, the light reflects in just the right way to make her whole face glow, like the sun is always shining right above her. She’s also got the most adorable dimples, and any time she laughs or giggles, you feel like your body becomes weightless, like she’s giving her pegasus wings to you. She’s so…

...young! What are you thinking?! What, just because somepony actually treats you nice and is fun to be around, you think you can just start getting feelings for her? OK, now that you think about it, that’s exactly what you said your type was supposed to be, but this is different! There is no way you’re actually attracted to a pony who barely got her cutie mark!

“Anyway!” you begin, trying to steer your mind in a different direction.

“So why haven’t you fucked me yet?”

You tilt your head in confusion, lip trembling as you attempt to piece together what she could have possibly just said, but for some weird reason, your mind keeps coming back to the same sentence. She didn’t really just ask what you think she asked… did she?

“W-what?” you ask, too nervous to look around and see if anypony overheard her.

Katy, meanwhile, lays her head in her hoof while her foreleg rests on the table, looking almost bored all of a sudden. “I saaaaid, ‘Why haven’t you fucked me yet?’”

This time you do look around, frantically moving your head to check every single reaction in the restaurant, and although nopony was looking before, some can’t help but look over their shoulders as you scan the area anxiously. Then, lowering your head so that only you and Katy can hear, you say, “Can you please not make jokes like that? Ponies might get the wrong idea.”

“Jokes like what? Like am I not good enough for you?”

“No! It’s not that! It’s just--”

“Look, I can’t help it if I’m not as pretty as a grown mare!” While you tilt your head in confusion, Katy grabs onto her mane, messing around with it while she grumbles angrily. “Stupid bangs. I knew I should have brushed you harder this morning. Stupid green. Stupid...”

What is she even saying? Does she not realize the main issue here? You want to console her, to let her know that she would be very fuckable for somepony more her age, but there’s not exactly an easy way to say that without sounding like a total creep.

“Katy, it’s not like that. You’re a beautiful young filly.”

“I am?” Suddenly, she stops playing with her hair and leans in closer, giving you the widest smile while she looks into your eyes with the most jubilant expression. “You really think I’m beautiful, Anon?”

“Yeah, but…”

Again, you try coming up with a good explanation, but in the time it takes you to think of something, Katy’s smile gradually fades.

“What’s the problem? I didn’t come off like a slut, did I? I promise I’ve never been touched before!”

“Aaaaaand this is where I should probably walk away.” You quickly dig your shaky hand into your pocket, looking to take out whatever bits you’ll need for dinner so you can get out of this obvious trap as fast as you can. “Here’s some money to pay for dinner. You have a nice life.”

Now Katy looks more panicked than ever, putting her trembling hooves onto the table and leaning in anxiously. “Wait! Are you leaving me?”

“Look, Katy, you’re a nice filly and all, but I’m not about to go to jail or get turned to fucking stone all because of some stupid prank!”

“I swear! This isn’t a prank! And…” Suddenly, Katy’s panicked expression shifts into one of confusion. “Why would you go to jail?”

You momentarily stop digging into your pockets to see that Katy’s expression seems sincere, like she honestly has no idea about what forbidden love between adults and children is. “Are you serious? Have you never heard of the age of consent?”

The green pegasus in front of you, however, shakes her head, looking up at you with her wide, beautiful eyes. “What’s that?”

You then place your forehead into your palm with a sigh, shaking your head as you attempt to find a way to explain the birds and the bees without projecting the wrong idea onto anypony who might overhear you. “The age of consent is… Umm… It means that grownups like me can’t be with fillies like you. There’s too much of an age difference.”

Finally, the green pegasus in front of you begins to relax, sliding back into a comfortable position in her chair while she exhales a sigh of relief.

“Ooooooohhh. I get it now.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. We don’t have that here.”

“Good… Wait, WHAT?!”

Your eyebrows furrow in bewilderment while your mind tries to find some kind of miscommunication that the two of you might be having, but Katy, meanwhile, is smirking like she just took away the last excuse you had.

“I don’t think you understand,” you continue. “When I say an age difference, I mean like there’s a minimum age you have to be to--”

“I know what you meant, Anon, and like I said, we don’t have that here.”

Again, you can’t help but fold your arms in confusion. “So you’re saying that it’s totally legal for a filly like you to have sex with a grown man like me?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because… Uhh… W-what if you got pregnant?!”

Katy scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Ugh. No wonder you have mare problems.” The filly then scoots her chair in closer, lowering her head like she’s about to give you a lesson on Equestrian sociology that even someone like you can understand. “Look. You know how there are more mares than stallions in Equestria, right?”

“Yeah. That was like the first thing I noticed about this place.”

“Which means that in order for every mare to breed, each stallion would need more than one sexual partner.”

“Don’t say sex, but yes, I understand.”

“Whateverrr. Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is that when we feel the need to breed, we realize that it might have to be with somepony we’re not in a relationship with. We just have to keep our hints subtle, you know, like the kind I’ve been giving you all night!”

You raise an eyebrow in shock, trying to think of a single signal that she could have used to communicate that she was interested in you. If she’s been giving you hints all night, does that mean you’ve seriously been missing signs like this from mares the entire time you’ve been living in Ponyville?

“You have?! Like when?!”

“Like you know how I was always walking in front of you the whole time? Why do you think I would do something like that?”

“Because… you were eager to win the game we were playing?”

“Seriously?! Ugh! I was walking in front of you so that you would be staring at my butt!” As soon as the words come out of her mouth, you have to keep yourself from flinching, crossing your legs to both appear as if this is a totally normal conversation while you try not to picture her rump in your mind. “I don’t know what things are like in your world, but in Equestria, girls are supposed to be submissive. The males are supposed to just take us whenever they want, and females--like me--enjoy it when the man takes charge!”

This whole thing sounds so unnatural, especially since you’ve never seen anything close to it in the time you’ve lived in Ponyville, but then again, you also had no idea how many ponies you could find kissing out in the open. It does explain why some of those mares have never called you back, after all, even despite how awkward some of those dinner dates turned out, but did she mean for you to just take her virginity in the middle of a crowd? Have these mares really just expected you to pull them into a bathroom and fuck their brains out without a second thought?

More importantly, you aren’t actually thinking about doing this with a filly as young as Katydid, are you? Just because it may fit with Equestria’s backwards societal ways doesn’t mean that you’re about to start getting dirty thoughts about a girl half your age, right? Right…?

“I… had no idea Equestria was like that.”

“So does that mean…” Katy then looks into your eyes, biting her lower lip nervously. “...you’d be OK having sex with me?”

Your jaw drops. You feel a knot forming in your stomach. Your whole life, the main thing that has been preventing you from thinking about having sex with younger girls has been the fact that it was seen as immoral, illegal even. If what this filly is saying turns out to be true, though, not only is it completely legal, but it almost sounds like it’s a completely normal part of society. Could you really go through with it, though, even if there are no rules against it in this place?

You want to say no, but the more you look into Katy’s bright magenta eyes, the more you realize that you’ve been instinctively repressing your urges all day. You have accepted the idea of having sex with grown horses, after all, so maybe--

“Dinner is served.”

Thankfully, before you can allow your mind to do moral gymnastics, your waiter arrives with your dinners, placing them down in front of the two of you before you can continue your conversation any further. Once you look up from your plate, however, you see Katydid looking down at her own dish with excitement, hopefully having forgotten about the whole thing. You’ll be able to continue this conversation later, and if you’re lucky, maybe Katy will drop it altogether. Even if she does, though… is that really what you want?

“I feel so faaaaaaat.”

Once the two of you finish dinner, you both head back to the playground where you met, leading to her plopping onto the park bench, rubbing her stomach while you laugh quietly. “Katy, you had like one serving of mac and cheese.”

“Yeah,” she continues, propping herself onto her side, “but it was an adult portion. What if I start eating adult portions all the time? I’ll turn into a yak!”

“I don’t think that your serving size determines your species.”

“It could happen! Have you ever seen a baby yak? Maybe they all start off as ponies and then turn into yaks the more they eat!”

“I dunno, Katy. Have you ever seen a yak with pegasus wings?”

“...To be fair, you did mention that buffalos have wings in your world.”

Her rebuttal is so stupid, but for some reason, it makes you fall down next to her on the bench, holding your gut as you laugh all the air out of your lungs. Soon enough, she’s joining you in the hilarity, and if anypony were to walk by, they would probably think the two of you had taken some kind of crazy zebra drug to be laughing as hard as you are now. If only you could be this comfortable with other mares, maybe you’d actually get laid for once in your life. When you’re with Katy, though, you don’t feel like you need to impress her. You can be open with her, you can do whatever you want without being judged. You can just be you, and it’ll be OK with Katy either way.

Finally, your hysterical roars die down into a little more than a chuckle as the green pegasus filly lays her head onto your lap, getting comfortable as she uses your leg as a pillow. “Thank you for spending the day with me, Anon,” she says quietly.

“Thanks for finding me,” you reply with a smile. “I owe you one.”

The minute the words slip out of your mouth, though, Katy props herself back up to her side and looks you dead in the eye with a devilish grin. “Really?! How much would you say you owe me?!”

“I owe you some hay fries. Wow! It sure has gotten late, hasn’t it? Guess we’d better--”

“Go back to your house and have a sleepover? Sure!”

Of course, just as soon as you try cutting her off before she can suggest anything dirty, she cuts you off and suggests something that’s dirty. Probably. After all you’ve learned about Ponyville today, you’re not exactly sure what’s wholesome and what’s a sugar-coated innuendo anymore.

“Actually, Katy, you wouldn’t like my house. It smells like vegetables, I don’t have any cartoons to watch--”

“Vegetables are literally all we eat here, and I don’t know what a cartoon is. Besides, it sounds like you haven’t had anypony over since you moved here!”

That little brat! Is she calling you some loser with no friends? Sure, she might be right in the sense that you haven’t had friends over basically since you moved here, or in the sense that you don’t really have any friends in general, but who is she to insinuate that you need company? You can be happy living by yourself without needing to invite people over all the time! It doesn’t mean that you’re less of a person because you choose to spend weekends without ponies around! In fact, the remark has you so cheesed off that you’re debating whether you should ever bother hanging out with her again!

Yet for some reason…

...now she’s in your house.

The moment you close the door behind her, she’s galloping throughout your living room, looking through all your cool stuff while jumping up and down with excitement. Her youthful energy would make you laugh if this were any other circumstance, especially since she looks so enthusiastic just to see normal stuff like baseball mitts or power drills. The thing that kills it for you, though, is the fact that you know she’s there to do more than just learn about life from your home world. It’s all you’ve been thinking about since you brought her home--the reasoning of which still eludes you, by the way--but all she seems to be thinking about is how to work the abacus on your shelf of knicknacks.

“Hey, Anon! What does this thingy do?”

“You do math with it,” you reply, slumping onto your couch.

“Really? Wouldn’t it just be easier to use a calculator?”

“Yeah, I don’t use it much.”

Your lackluster response makes Katy tilt her neck in confusion before galloping back to your side, sitting next to you uncomfortably close as you go back and forth in your head. “Aaaaaare you OK?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look so good to me.”

“No, Katy! I’m not fine! Are you happy now?”

Katy immediately flinches from your reaction, making you somehow hate yourself even more than you already did, but not nearly as much as you’re about to. With a small sniffle, you see Katy trying her best to hold back the tears in her eyes, despite the quiet whimper in the back of her voice. “Did… Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” you say softly, awkwardly moving your hands back and forth, not sure whether you should pet her mane to console her or not. “I guess I’m just stressed.”

“Stressed about what? Do you... not like me?”

“What?! No! I mean--Of course I like you! I just… I don’t think…”

“I did do something wrong, didn’t I?”

Finally, she’s unable to hold back her tears any longer, and before you can find a good way to make things better, she begins sobbing on the couch, her head buried into her hooves. You want to blame Celestia for how this night has taken a complete 180 compared to what it was this morning, but you can’t think of anyone to blame but yourself. If you really didn’t want her over, you could have easily just told her no, but instead, you just bottled it all inside until you finally exploded onto a girl who did nothing wrong.

“Katydid, I promise you did nothing wrong. I’m the one who did something wrong. The truth is…”

Sniffling, the green pegasus lifts her head slowly out of her hooves and hesitantly makes eye contact with you, displaying how red her eyes have become. “The truth is…?”

“I don’t want to have sex with you.”

Katy takes a few moments to respond, but once she appears to finally understand the message, she rubs the tears off of her eyes and hesitantly replies, “Wait… what?”

“...What do you mean ‘what?’”

“Did you think…” she begins, chuckling to herself mid-sentence, “...the reason that I wanted to have a sleepover was so that I could have sex with you?” The idea seemed pretty normal when you said it out loud, but based on how hard Katy is laughing right now, you begin to think that maybe you could have misinterpreted something somewhere.

“That’s why you’re here, right?”

With a roll of her eyes, though, she responds, “I wanted to have a sleepover because my best friend is out of town. Saturday nights are when we normally have slumber parties.”

You check the calendar just to make sure you didn’t get the day wrong, but sure enough, today is Saturday night. As if you thought the mating habits of ponies couldn’t get any more complex, you now realize that this whole time, you were the one thinking about sex, and with a little girl no less!

“Although there is something I don’t get,” she continues. “Do you really not want to do it with me that much?”

“No! It’s not that! It’s just--”

“But just a minute ago you said you were stressed just thinking about it!”

“...I didn’t say it like that.”

With a dull stare, the filly beside you shakes her head in disappointment, making you both embarrassed and salty at the same time. “Can you just tell me what’s wrong? Tell me the truth this time.”

You break eye contact just long enough to take a deep breath of air in through your nose, recollecting yourself before you turn back to give her a sympathetic smile. “I like you, Katy. I really do. I guess I’m just scared of… doing something like that with a girl your age.”

Katy scoffs, rolling her eyes again for good measure. “What’s the problem with my age?! How come only grown ups are allowed to do all the fun stuff?”

“Well… it’s just the whole consent thing. You don’t know what you’re doing yet.”

“What?!” By this point, she’s getting even closer to your face, glaring daggers into your eyes as you suddenly gulp in fear. “How do I not know what I’m doing?! You put your thingy in my thingy until you cum. Is it about the whole pregnancy thing? I know that sex makes babies, Anon, and I know just as much as any mare how to be smart about it. I also know about STD’s, and I trust that if you had any, you would tell me first, right?”

“Of course!”

“Then what else is there to understand? If I don’t know about something, teach me!”

“It’s not just that…”

“I told you, already! We don’t have any age laws in Equestria! Nopony’s going to throw you in jail, and nopony’s going to turn you into stone!!”

“It’s not that either!”

“Then what is it?!”

“Maybe I’m just scared! Alright?!”

Katy freezes, completely taken aback, eyes wide, and her mouth stuck slightly open as she’s once again handed a response she wasn’t expecting. This time, though, you don’t feel too bad about exploding on her. In your mind, it’s better that you’re upfront with her, maybe even harsh with her, than to bottle up your emotions or try to dance around the issue without actually explaining anything. She seems so surprised, but then…

“Baaahahahahaha!”

...she falls backwards, holding onto her gut as she laughs hysterically.

“Oh, good,” you say sarcastically. “Good to know I finally made myself vulnerable for once. Glad to see that it all paid off.”

“I’m sorry, Anon,” she replies, wiping a tear from her eye. “It’s just, what do you have to be afraid of?”

You throw your arms into the air in frustration. “I don’t know! I just… This whole thing is way out of my comfort zone.”

“Theeeen why don’t we just make you more comfortable?” As soon as the words leave her mouth, she stands up on her hind legs and begins massaging your shoulders, making you wonder how hooves can actually release the tension from your shoulders. “Feeling any better yet?”

“I actually am, surprisingly.”

“Good! That was step one.”

“So then what’s step tw--”

Before you can even finish your question, however, Katydid catches you off guard by placing her lips onto yours, making your eyes go wide as hers close femininely. Your natural instincts tell you to push her off of you, but your body is too frozen to move. Instead, you feel like a living mannequin, forced to sit still as her lips awkwardly navigate across yours as she does her best to make the experience a little more sensual. Your gut is turning below as adrenaline shoots through your blood vessels. Once you’re able to eventually gain feeling back to your muscles, however, you suddenly don’t feel the need to escape from her lips anymore. In fact, you’re about to kiss her back, but right as soon as you’re about to act, she pulls away, giving your heart a slight tinge of embarrassment.

“Is it working?” she asks with an excited smile.

“Uhh… I don’t know. T-try again.”

Katy doesn’t hesitate. In the next moment, the two of you are locking lips again, both of you with your eyes closed as your mouths tenderly dance across each other’s. Your jaw is becoming more liberated by the second, loosening up to the point where your lips gradually begin to invite Katy’s to press against yours more firmly. The soft touch of her lips send tingles down your spine, relishing in the feeling of your mouth steadily guiding them to the best positions for her to kiss you. Both of your confidences are growing as well, gaining momentum as your kisses become quicker, harder, more passionate, losing yourselves completely in the aura of your… arousal?

Abort mission!

Just as things are beginning to get heated, you instinctively pull her off of you, looking straight at the wall in front of you so that you don’t have to make eye contact with the filly beside you. “Well, it looks like step two didn’t work. Guess we’d better get back to the sleepover. So when you normally do these, do you two, like, play board games or--”

“Why do you have a bulge in your pants?”

You don’t even need to look down. You can feel the tightness in your groin, trying to push past the fabrical barrier despite your mind telling it to go back to sleep.

“Because my pockets have a hole in them. I really need to get those fixed. How do you even know what pants are, anyway? Are those a thing here?”

Even as you try to change the subject to something else, though, you can see Katy’s eyes grow wide as she puts a hoof to her mouth to hide her amused smile. “Is that your thingy?”

“Oh, sweet Celestia… Yes, it’s my thingy.”

You can barely hide your embarrassment, trying your best to keep a straight face despite the burning sensation in your cheeks more than likely ruining everything. Maybe you can find a creative way to change the subject, though! What if you find something else that she legitimately wants to talk about so that--

“Can I see it?”

Welp. So much for that plan.

“C’mon, Katy! It’s embarrassing…”

“Pleeeease?”

“Ugh. Haven’t you already seen one of these in your health class textbooks or something?”

Katy raises an eyebrow like you just said something crazy. “You mean like in school? They wouldn’t let us see something like that!”

Then how does she even know what sex is?! Seriously, it’s not like this world has porn or anything!

“So… you haven’t seen one of these ever? Not even from a stallion?”

A hard drop of saliva falls down your throat as you see the filly in front of you shaking her head, making you feel more pressured than ever to go through with it. Even though you can hear sirens blaring in your mind, however, you can’t help but feel the least bit curious, and if what she said is true, there would be literally no repercussions from going through with it.

Finally, with your hands beginning to tremble, you reach for the button on your jeans, fumbling to pull it out of the small hole while Katy leans over your crotch with a grin on her face. Your skin feels like it’s growing colder as goosebumps begin to form on your arms, leaving your lip quivering while Katy’s chest rises and falls more abruptly than normal. Eventually, you manage to get the button out of the hole, and lifting your pelvis off of the couch, you slip your thumbs into the insides of your underwear and gently shimmy the fabric down past your crotch. Then, it’s officially out there. You are now showing your dick to a little girl.

“It seems kinda small, doesn’t it?”

And you regret every second of it.

“That’s it. I’m putting my pants back on.”

“No! Wait!” Right as soon as you begin to tug your pants back up your waist, though, Katy latches onto your hands, physically halting you before you can go any further. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way! I think it’s cute!”

Cute. You finally get to show somepony your penis, and she calls it cute.

“Besides,” she continues with a high-pitched giggle. “I kinda wanna suck on it.”

“You… you do?”

She looks back down at your cock, the corners of her lips turning upwards slightly before turning her attention back towards your eyes and saying, “Yeah. I’ve always wanted to try it.”

Well, who are you to deny a blowjob to someone who asks so nicely?

“Sure,” you mumble nervously. “G-go ahead.”

This time, she smiles so wide that you can see her entire upper row of teeth as her hoof travels its way to the base of your shaft, slowly taking your member into her grip. She’s so delicate, pulling the ligament upwards at a ninety degree angle while she uses her other hoof to brush her bangs to the side. Then, taking in a deep breath, she closes her eyes, lowers her head and allows the tip of your penis into her mouth, placing your skin into the warm cavity between her lips and tongue.

You knock your head back, loosening the muscles in your legs as the soft sensation of Katy’s tongue slips down your cowper’s gland. Her teeth just barely graze against the top, making your whole spine shiver in ecstasy to the point where you instinctively put your hand onto Katy’s head. Just as soon as the feeling in your groin reaches an all-time peak, however, you feel the filly resisting your hand, pulling herself up until your dick flops back onto your stomach as she wipes the spittle from her lips. Crap. Was the hand to head thing a bit much?

“You OK?” you ask despondently.

“Yeah, it just tastes kinda funny.”

“Well…” you begin, trying to find any way to keep her from stopping. “That’s what all girls think at first.”

Katy raises an eyebrow. “Huh? Then why do so many mares do it?”

“It’s called an acquired taste! That means the more you do it, the more you’ll learn to like it.”

The green filly looks back down at your phallus, then back to you. “Are you sure?”

“Why don’t you try it for just a little bit longer? I’ll let you know when it’s OK to stop.”

“OK,” she replies, once again brushing her bangs back and pulling your cock back into her mouth. Once inside, though, you begin to wonder how you ever survived without the tender touch of her tongue sliding down your skin.

You can’t help but let out a quiet breath, trying your best to keep your eyes open to look down at the pegasus going down on you, bobbing her head back and forth on your crotch. You then instinctively place your hand on her head, trying not to push her down so far she chokes, but it’s almost impossible to keep your hips from intrinsically pushing yourself deeper into Katy’s mouth. She seems to be doing well, though, pulling her lips along your member, sucking your dick like it’s a lollipop that she’s been waiting all day for, causing you to bite down on your lip to quell the pleasure from becoming too overwhelming.

Then, she opens her eyes and looks into yours, never losing the rhythm between your legs as her mouth continues to pull back and forth. By this point, you probably look like you’re in pain, breathing in deep through your nose while your face contorts from how well she’s attacking your nerve endings. She’s probably looking at you to see if she can be done now, but she’s making you so damn horny that you’re not even sure if you want to let her go. Even though she’s probably enjoying making you happy, however, it’ll still take a little while before she gets to the point where she legitimately gets off on blowjobs.

“OK, Katy. I think that’s good.”

She doesn’t waste a second pulling her mouth off of your cock, trailing saliva between your dillhole and her bottom lip. “Why do mares like that?” she asks, severing the strand of spit by licking her lower lip.

“You’ll see after some practice,” you reply with a chuckle, to which Katy rolls her eyes.

“Can we get to the good part now?”

“You mean…?”

“Yeah…”

Your heart is beating faster than you can remember, but even then, though, your mind is so blank that you’re having a hard time remembering anything right now. You don’t know why you’re so nervous; this is what you know you want after all, yet you’re struggling to find the bravery you need just to nod your head and give the both of you what you’re hoping for. You can feel your dick shrinking just from how badly you’re shaking on the inside, but finally, after a quick gulp to wetten your dry mouth, you say, “Yeah. I’m ready.” Katy then gives you a half smile to show you that she’s feeling the same way, and then, both of your eyes fall back onto your cock.

How exactly do you transition from here? Do you just say, “OK, Katy! Hop on!”? She already mentioned that she likes it when the man takes control, after all, so the responsibility falls on you to move things forward.

“So…” you begin, scratching the back of your head. “Can I see your… uh… th-thingy?”

“Sure!” she exclaims with excitement, getting onto her hooves and turning around. You gulp again, feeling another nervous lump in your throat, but that heavy feeling in your chest disappears almost immediately at the sight of her tail swishing out of the way as she pulls her back cheeks apart. She has the most perfect opening you’ve ever seen, glistening slightly from the wetness in the deeper parts of her vagina, spread out just beneath a tiny hole above it, making your cock grow back to the size it was at moments before. “Soooo, do you like it?”

“Huh?” Suddenly, you realize that you’ve been staring for the past couple of minutes and quickly shake your head to recompose yourself. “Y-yeah! I like it a lot!”

“You can touch it if you want.”

Hopefully you’re allowed to touch it if you’re about to have sex with her. Or did she mean to have sex with her somewhere else?

Before your mind goes off onto too far of a tangent, however, you lean in closer to look more closely at her feminine opening. You want to put your finger inside of her and see how far you can go. You want to find her g-spot and press it until she bends over screaming. The weird thing, though, is that even though you’re getting closer, your fingers are gripped to the couch while your eyes close and your tongue slowly falls out of your mouth.

“Eep!”

Finally, your fingers release from the sofa, but only to grab onto her hind legs as your tongue slides its way up her vulva, making her freeze from the unexpected sensation. Once the initial scare disappears, though, her legs begin to loosen, even wobble from the sensual sensation you’re giving her, digging your tongue deeper between her filly lips. The longer you lap at her insides, the quicker you begin to taste a sweet nectar dripping down her inner walls, coating your tastebuds with a flavor much more sugary than you expected. As you begin to wonder how even her natural lube can taste like sugar, however, you almost miss the quiet, subtle sounds of heavy breathing escaping her lungs.

There’s no more reason to hold back any longer. You’re ready, she’s ready, and both of your anatomies have already confirmed it. The only question now is whether or not Katy is as nervous as you are. Even after experiencing real arousal for probably the first time, she looks like she’s in total control, but you, on the other hand, are still nervous for some unknown reason. Right when feelings of self-consciousness begin to form, however, she turns her head back and looks you directly in the eyes.

“I want it so bad right now.”

And then all of the anxiety disappears.

Without another moment’s hesitation, you stand up from the couch, angle the filly’s backside up just slightly, pull your cock down until it’s aligned just right and then slowly, gently, take her virginity away.

Katy immediately grunts, bending forward while biting her lip in a display that you can’t pinpoint as either pleasure or pain, but the wet, warm feeling encompassing your dick begs you not to worry about it. Once your member finds its way in at the right angle to where you can maneuver without the aid of your hands, your grab onto the filly’s waist and slide yourself the rest of the way in, causing Katy to release a loud, harsh breath. You’ll check on her in just a minute, but for now, you’re too busy savoring how every fold inside her vagina perfectly massages the skin on your shaft.

“Anon,” the pegasus says, finally forcing you to pay attention to her. “Is this gonna hurt?”

At least you can breathe knowing that you haven’t caused her any pain so far.

“It shouldn’t, but let me know if it does, OK?”

With a nod, she replies, “OK. You can keep going.”

You silently thank Celestia for such a perfect gift falling into your lap, then continue to adjust your hips, moving back and forth as your crotch begins to gently collide with Katy’s. Your cock fits inside her like the perfect glove, warming up your member as you enter deeper inside her, trying to lean forward to get your enter length into her tight entrance. Katy, meanwhile, is apparently enjoying it just as much as you are, panting in a high-pitched voice with every thrust that you make between her legs. Your heart is still beating like crazy, but all the dread you felt before about fucking a filly have completely disappeared in the sensation between your thighs, giving you the polar opposite feeling as before.

The air around you becomes hotter, mixed with the pungent scent of her arousal filling the room, making you even harder to the point where you begin to worry about Katy again. Just before you can double-check with her, however, she reflexively rocks her hips back, bouncing against your pelvis in a steady rhythm that matches your own. How can somepony with such little experience know exactly what to do to get you off? It’s almost like she’s already a pro at this, starting off immediately hitting all of your sensitive spots, robbing you of your senses before you can even question how she knows where they are.

“Keep going, Anon! It feels so good!”

You didn’t even realize that you had slowed down in your pensive thoughts, but as good as she’s making you feel, your curiosity begins to get the better of you.

“Hey, Katy? Have you really never done this with anypony before?”

The pegasus filly then pulls you out of her opening to give you a suspicious look, making you regret asking the question for two different reasons. “When would I have done it with somepony else? I’ve never even seen one of those things before. Wait a second!” Her suspicious stare then transitions into a smug grin. “You think I’m really that good at it?”

“Well, I mean, I guess you’re--”

“The best you’ve ever had?”

“I… uh… J-just hang on a second!”

While you debate with yourself whether it’s a good idea to inflate her ego, Katy giggles wildly under her breath before flipping her mane to the side and fluttering her eyelashes. “If I’m really that good, I bet I can make you cum first.”

At this rate, she could very well make you cum in the next two minutes! Still, though, you’re gonna hold off as long as you can, both to enjoy the feeling of her pussy for as long as you can as well as to see her tortured face when you make her orgasm. With your hand sticking out, ready to shake, you say with a smile on your face, “You’re on.”

Instead of taking your hand, however, Katy falls onto her back grabbing onto her hind hooves and spreading her legs as wide as she can get them, giving you the best possible display of her parted filly lips. “Ready whenever you are.”

You don’t waste a second. In the next moment, you lean over, tilt her chin up and place a kiss directly onto her mouth, both of you closing your eyes as your tongues wrestle for dominance. With your free hand, you dance your cock along her labia, teasing at her folds before you allow yourself to enter her orifice while causing her to moan heatedly into your mouth. Your mouths come apart gently, a lone strand of saliva connecting your tongues as you look passionately into each other’s half-lidded eyes, and in the next moment, you slowly ease the head of your penis into her opening, leading her to wrap her hooves around your neck and pull you into another horny kiss.

Your hands then transition to her waist, holding onto her firmly as your dick moves through her at a much quicker pace than before. Then her hind legs wrap around you as well, giving you a tight grip around your neck and waist as her inner walls tighten around your shaft. At this point, you can’t help but pull one hand off of her to support yourself on the couch beneath her, doing your best to keep the upbeat rhythm going through her while she holds onto you for dear life. Your back is beginning to ache from all the work you’re exerting on her, but the gradual trickle of her arousal wettening your dick is enough to ease you up just enough to keep going.

“Ah!” she shrieks involuntarily, pulling her mouth off of yours while biting down onto her lip in pleasure. “Ohhhhh, yes, yes, yes!”

“Sounds like you’re gonna lose,” you reply with a smug grin, which Katy immediately mirrors.

“You really think so? Listen to this!” You tilt an eyebrow in suspicion, but then immediately squeeze your eyes shut from the overwhelming lust that suddenly floods your system next. “AAAAHNNNN~! Anon, go deeper! Yes! YES! MMMM!”

You bite down on your tongue to keep yourself from accidentally cumming on the spot while pushing deeper into her vaginal canal, forcing the head of your cock to her cervix as she moans louder in pleasure. Again, you don’t know how somepony so inexperienced knows how to turn you on so well, but it works regardless. The natural lube inside her is the only thing keeping your dick from getting stuck in her narrow tunnel, but grabbing onto her butt and lifting her pelvis off of the couch, you hump her with all your might, opening her up as much as you can.

“Yes, Anon! Go harder! Ah! Ahhhh!”

Squeezing your eyes shut again, you give her as much force through her insides as you can, growing longer between her folds as they sensually kiss the sides of your skin. You’re holding your breath, trying to keep yourself going as long as you can without stopping, but the amount of energy it’s taking to continue fucking her brains out is crippling your back.

“I can’t…” you breathe, still trying your best to finish her off before your legs give out. “I don’t know if I can keep going.”

“Keep going! Fuck me harder! AAHHHH!!”

Her high-pitched screams are all it take to give you enough energy to keep going, although you know that at some point, if you keep moving at this rate, your entire body will give out. You need to finish her off, though. Even though you want to cum inside her right now, filling her pussy with your seed, you have to hold off just a little bit longer. She needs to finish first.

Finally, you set her down, turning her over so that she’s on her hooves with her backside raised in the air, giving you a quick minute for both of you to catch your breaths, but in the very next moment, you’re entering inside her again, making her scream in her naturally high-pitched voice. You can feel her heartbeat through the throbbing of her pussy, continuing to pulse faster as you pick up your own urgent speed. Her breathing is becoming sporadic, fluctuating between violent gasps for air and loud screams, growing louder, more feminine, and even higher in pitch than they were already. She must be really trying to win this bet, and if you can’t make her finish in the next thirty seconds, she’s going to get her reward flooding through her insides.

“Hurrrryyyyyy!” she cries. “Hurry up and cum! I’m getting so close!”

“I wanna cum so bad.”

“Then do it quick! I need your cum inside me right now!”

“We’ll cum together, OK? On the count of three. One…”

“Ah!”

“Two…”

“Aaaahhhh!”

“Thr--”

“AAAAHHHHH!!!!”

The minute you finish counting down, you explode into her vagina, completely decorating her insides the minute you dick starts throbbing. Katy doesn’t cum exactly in unison, but once she feels your semen flowing through her, her whole body starts to shiver as her insides pour out her own feminine liquids. You immediately push your cock in as far as her orifice will let you, pumping semen into the deepest parts of her womb while her entire body spasms in ecstasy. Her insides tighten around you harder than ever, contracting and loosening as her hole pulses in bliss, guiding more and more of your sperm as it rushes through her fillyhood.

Then, once your dick begins to cool down and her vagina begins to release you from her grip, you finally look into each other’s eyes, breathing heavily and smiling from ear to ear. Even though you’re sweating profusely and both of your genitalia are covered in each other’s secretion, you don’t want to pull out or get cleaned up. You just want to experience this moment a little bit longer, and thankfully, Katy isn’t telling you to get off of her quite yet. With one last push for good measure, you release the final strand of sperm into her orifice and slowly slide yourself out, making Katy coo softly as you grind past her nethers on the way out.

“Wow,” the filly says, placing a tired hoof over her eyes. “I never knew how much I love dick.”

You then bust up laughing, making a funny sound before you bend over in hilarity. “So are you saying that you were on the fence about it before?”

“No, I knew I liked it, but I didn’t know they could do that to me.”

In all fairness, you didn’t know you’d be able to do that to her either. Probably shouldn’t tell her that part, though.

“So…” you begin, trying to find a good way to transition to the two of you taking a bath or something.

“So can we do it again? I promise I’ll let you win this time!”

You’re about to ask what she’s talking about, but then you suddenly realize that you came before her, even though the two of you supposedly agreed to cum together. That little cheater. You won’t let her win a second time.

“Uhhhhhhh… Sure! Actually, have you ever wanted to do it in the shower?”

Katy gasps with a smile. “Yes! How did you know?! Come on! Let’s go right now!”

You chuckle as much as your aching body will let you, but judging by how hard the green pegasus is tugging on your arm, it doesn’t look like you’re going to be getting much time to recover. In fact, as she leads you into your own bathroom, you silently pray to Celestia, praising her for giving you the best gift a man could ask for and begging her to let your dick get hard again so you can go a second round.

As the door closes behind you, though, all you can think about is what a day this has turned out to be.

“Hellooo? Equestria to Anon, please!”

You finally pull your head back to reality to see your date giving you a concerned look. You’ve been so busy thinking about what happened the other night that you probably haven’t even listened to a single thing she’s said this whole time. Then again, it’ll only be a matter of time before your waiter brings over hay fries for the lovely lady, and once again, you’ll be the one doing all the talking while your date just tries to enjoy her meal.

“Huh? Oh, sorry, Cloudchaser. I just had to sneeze is all.”

The pegasus mare tilts her head in suspicion. “Then sneeze.”

“No, too late. I lost it. It felt like it was gonna be a good one, too.”

“O...K…?”

Right when you’re about to try to steer the conversation back onto a less awkward note, though, you feel something bump into you, causing you to turn your head to the side to see a cream-colored unicorn brushing past you. “Sorry!” she exclaims. “I didn’t mean to bump you. It’s just so crowded in--”

“Sweet Biscuit?”

Both you and the unicorn’s eyes grow wide in surprise. “Anon?! Heeey! I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?”

“Great!” you say, giving her a quick hug. “Just here on a date with Cloudchaser. I don’t know if you two have met.”

“Oh, sure we have! Nice to see you, Cloud!” Your date waves politely, but then glares daggers at you for paying more attention to some other mare who literally just stumbled in, a look which Sweet Biscuit immediately picks up on. “Well, I should probably go now. Oh, and sorry again for not calling you back after our date a couple weeks ago. It was just--”

“I know, I know. The hay fries thing.”

“Wait,” Cloudchaser intervenes. “What hay fries thing? Is there something wrong with the hay fries?”

You and Sweet Biscuit look at each other and chuckle to yourselves before looking back at Cloudchaser’s emphatic shock. “No,” the unicorn replies. “Just an inside joke. I’ll see you around, Anon.”

And with that, she trots off, but not without looking back at you with a smile, swaying her hips and swishing her tail as she walks away.

“You would tell me if there was something wrong with the food here, right?” your date asks, but you’re already lost in thought again. Sweet Biscuit is walking straight towards the restroom, and you can’t help but wonder if this is exactly what hints mares normally gave stallions when they wanted to be taken advantage of. The way she moved her hips, giving you the best view of her ass, the way she smiled at you coyly, the fact that she walked straight to the most private area of the restaurant immediately after giving you the signals. There’s no way she was really just trying to get you to have sex with her…

...is there?

“Actually, Cloudchaser,” you say, getting up from your table, your eyes never leaving the door she passed through, “I need to use the bathroom really quick.”

“But that’s the direction to the mares’ restroom!”

“Yeah, yeah. Good talk.”

You don’t even hear what she’s saying. You’re too focused on not messing up again, not letting another chance pass you by blindly. You’re so glad that Katydid taught you what signs to look for, but if you try being polite to your date (who probably just agreed to go out with you out of pity), you’d just be letting down a mare who might actually be interested in you.

By the time you get into the bathroom, you see that Sweet Biscuit is already washing her hooves, once again swishing her tail with a smile on her face. In fact, she’s moving her tail so happily that you begin to see the feminine folds underneath, drawing you closer, making your jeans tighten around your ever growing member. With your eyes focused on the beautiful picture in front of you, you gulp nervously and undo your belt, shaking from the fact that in Florida, this would amount to no less than a felony… probably.

Suddenly, the mare looks back, seeing you undoing your pants behind her. “Anon?! Is that you?!”

“Don’t worry, baby,” you say, pulling your jeans down to your ankles and lifting her tail out of the way. “I saw those signals you were sending me. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on them the first time.”

“What?! What signals?!” You don’t even hear what she’s saying, though, as you’re too immersed in the sight of her marehood to pay any attention to her panicked cries. You begin to grab the hem of your boxers, staring intently at the hole that’s probably been calling for you since you met her, but in the next moment... “Get off of me!”

In the next moment, she reels her back legs forward and sends a violent kick to your gut, making you fall to your knees in pain, holding onto your stomach as you try not to cry. When you look back up to the mare who you thought just moments ago was begging you to peg her, however, you see an angry glare and glowing horn, making you suddenly gulp nervously.

“Anon, what the hay are you doing?!”

“I was thinking that normally I’d be fine without a safe word, but apparently things work different in Eques--”

“Safe word?! What are you talking about?! Do you not realize that you were about to force yourself onto me?”

“Huh?” You tilt an eyebrow in confusion. “But… weren’t you asking for it?”

“What?! Listen, Anon. I don’t know how things work in your world, but here in Equestria, mares don’t like being raped without being asked!”

You raise an eyebrow in suspicion. “Rape?! Wait! So you don’t expect guys to just take advantage of you when you do that tail wag thing?”

Sweet Biscuit takes a minute to comprehend the words that came out of your mouth, but once the message sinks in, her confusion is met with pent up rage. “Who in the HELL told you something like that?!”

“Some filly! She told me that that was how you normally do things here! She said that mares just expect stallions to take advantage of them, and not gonna lie, she actually got pretty pissed that I didn’t just dry hump her in the middle of public.”

“Wait…” She takes a few moments to think, glancing down at the ground where each moment you wait causes your heart to speed up at an exponential rate. “Are you saying… you had sex with a filly?”

“Yeah, but… that’s OK, right? Like, there’s no age of consent in Equestria?”

Sweet Biscuit’s shock continues to build, her eyes widening to the size of saucers until she finally mumbles, “Please tell me you didn’t just ask that.”

Why is Sweet Biscuit acting so weird? You would have expected this if the sex laws were the same here as they were on earth, but based on the way she’s acting, it’s like she has no idea that that stuff is supposed to be OK here. After all, Katydid wouldn’t just lie to you to get you to have sex with…

Now your eyes are growing to the size of saucers as you finally begin to understand why Sweet Biscuit’s anger is continuing to grow with every passing second. Maybe Katydid wasn’t being one hundred percent truthful with you when she told you all the things she did, and suddenly you’re beginning to wonder why you ever took legal advice from somepony with a third grade education.

“Uh… uh…”

You quickly put on a fake smile to hide your nervous fear, slowly walking backwards towards the bathroom door just so you can make a run for it and hopefully never see her again. Right when you make it to about an arm’s distance, however, you find yourself in a green aura, being lifted up from the floor and gradually floating to Sweet Biscuit’s eye level. You gulp again, trying to make eye contact but hesitantly looking down at the floor, praying that Celestia will once again give you some kind of divine gift from heaven.

“And just where did you think you’re going?”

“Uh… h-home?”

The unicorn floats you closer and closer, her eyebrows furrowing lower as her anger changes to a completely different topic than before. For some reason, even though you really didn’t mean any harm, you have a pretty bad feeling that tonight isn’t going to end how you thought it would.

“Oh, no. You aren’t going home for a long, looong time.”

“...Uhh, Sweet Biscuit? You wouldn’t--”

“You really should have thought about that before taking advantage of an innocent, young foal.”

You want to tell her that Katy is the opposite of sweet and innocent. You wish you could tell her that you were tricked into sleeping with her, coerced even. Sadly, though, nothing you can say will fix how badly you goofed this time. You’ve probably never seen anypony this indignant before, and you know exactly what she’s going to do with you.

Even though you’ve honestly done nothing but try to make everypony happy, this world has thanked you by butt raping you both metaphorically and probably literally in the next few minutes.

Man, fuck hay fries.